remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
