i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
did i walk over a car last night?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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