I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
