saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
id be glad to
My pussy is not your playground.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
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