I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Randomize
