don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
