so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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