I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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