So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
the condom got lost in my hair
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
