Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
