I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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