Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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