Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
