I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
