as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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