Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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