One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
