You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
