I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
