Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I'm getting married
To pizza
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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