Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize