Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
