You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
being pregnant is like rehab
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
