My Higher Power is John Stamos
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
