Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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