I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
