So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
