so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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