my phone needs a breathalizer
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
