Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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