i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
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