I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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