It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
