remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
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