I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
