Ambien. No doubt about it.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
