4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
