I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
