WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I can't turn off my feet"
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
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