I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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