Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
