How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
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