Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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