she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize