Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Couch. On fire.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
