Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
