i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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