Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
