I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
