i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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