saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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