working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize