My sheets look like a crime scene.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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