I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
As shirtless as possible
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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