Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
