so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
