I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
