Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
