NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
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