I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
It's just like the Real World with babies
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
