I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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