I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
