Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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