My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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