Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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