I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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