i just made my gag reflex go away.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
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