I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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